Social Anxiety

(this is a copy of a post I made on a message board)

I suffer from pretty bad social anxiety. It's basically taken over my life. I've been shy my entire life and not too comfortable around new people and especially large crowds, so maybe i've had it to some degree my entire life. In school, if I was supposed to do a presentation/speak in front of the class, i'd choose to take an F instead, because my nerves would be so shot that I couldn't handle it. I was convinced as soon as I got up there everyone in the class was going to judge me (which stems from my insecurities about my weight too.) I never tried to explain this to any of my teachers because I didn't think they would understand. The result of all those F's? Failing too many classes making it impossible to graduate on time. Thinking about it now, I think something that happened to be in 3rd grade might have a part in why i'm scared to be in front of people like that. My teacher was all into science and one day was showing us this "experiment" where you take vegetable shortenening, put it on your fingers and dip your fingers in ice water. The vegetable shortenening was supposed to represent whale blubber and how it keeps whales warm. I was one of the volunteers to try it out, and when I was up in front of the class, this boy shouted out "yeah, like she needs any more blubber!"

But over the last few years it's gotten worse, and over the past year or so it's gotten worse than it ever has been. I've always been a homebody and would much rather choose to stay at home than go out, but would have no problem going out if I needed to or had somewhere to go. But now... I can go a week or more without even stepping outside. The thought of going outside to do something as simple as taking out the trash in the middle of the day is nervewracking. I have to wait until it's dark out, so I know no one will be outside. If I have to go do something by myself outside, my nerves get shot, I start to shake and I pace around because I don't know what to do. If i'm going somewhere with someone, i'm usually okay, because they distract me from everything around me. But if they leave me... it's bad! About a month ago my sister and I were at the grocery store, and she walked away from me for a few minutes to go get something from another isle, and all these people were walking around me and I started to panic! When my sister got back to me she was like "are you okay? you're white as a ghost!" It wasn't cool!

I have a phobia of the phone. I usually have no problem answering it, if it's someone I know. But having to call someone? That's a whole other story. Usually I can call family/friends fine, but there is a level of panic in it. If I have to call someone I don't know, I have to create a "script" in my head of what i'm going to say, sometimes I have to write it down. If I don't know exactly what I want to stay before I call, I will freeze. It takes me at least a half hour to get the courage to call, because other than creating my script, I have to calm myself down, dial the number a few times (I've developed this thing where I am certain I dialed it wrong, so I have to check it/redial it a few times before i'm convinced it's right... I have a tad case of OCD with certain things) and make sure I am in a very calm place. The other day my sister asked me to order a pizza for her and I couldn't calm myself down to call, I was starting to panic really badly... so I drank a beer to loosen myself up! It was awful!

With the script-creating thing, I have to do it in public situations too. I remember one time a few months ago I had to go to the doctors, my sister took me (I don't drive... i'd surely have a panic attack taking the driving test!) ... before I went in to tell the front desk I was there for my appointment, I had to ask my sister "what do I say? does this sound okay? are you sure?" and she thought I was crazy!

I don't know if this was a vent or what... *shrug*

Peace & Love,
-- everclear